How it Started: Two years ago I was in a fuck-frenzy with my boyfriend after recently starting Prozac, an SSRI. We were going at it but something was different. I was emotionally turned on but my body wasn’t working. About half an hour into it, with my finger, his fingers, and a vibe I realized I wasn’t going to be able to come. It’s happened before but it was natural. Sometimes you just can’t come. But this inability to come was odd. I’d never had any problem doing it myself but this was an entirely new feeling. I kept going at it, and going at it, and going at it but my body wasn’t working. Our fuck session ended when I burst into tears, scared because my body wasn’t working. I threw on my clothing and ran outside with my cell phone, sobbing. I called my mom, scared that I was broken, and she told me that sometimes you just can’t come. I told her something was different, that my body wasn’t working right and she listened.
The next day after I called my psychiatrist we realized that Prozac was inhibiting my inability to both become physically aroused and to reach climax. I saw my psychiatrist that week with my mom, and he suggested that I try another med. I have a little collection of diagnoses, as many bipolar people do. I’ve got me some anxiety, a panic disorder but the most prominent one at the time, the reason I turned to Prozac, was because of the OCD features of my bipolar. The “O” part of my OCD feature got so bad I couldn’t function. I was about to check myself into the psych ward again but my mom flew out hours later to take me home. I am never, ever going to let that happen if I can help it. So, I decided to stay on Prozac because it helps me live a normal life.
Why I’m lucky and What I’m not willing to do to Myself: I’m lucky in that I don’t have consistent anorgasmia anymore. I just have what I call “flare-ups” of anorgasmia. They last weeks but never really months. It’s going on the fifth week of this flare-up and I found myself near tears the last time I tried to come with a vibrator.
So, I decided to take care of my mental health and not try anymore (and certainly not change my meds!). It’s quite empowering to find ways to give myself pleasure when I can’t come. While I still have some vibes to review, I’ve had to put them on hold until this flare-up is over. It’s much too frustrating and because I know my body (though I’m always learning more) I know that vibrations will only upset me. Instead of giving up reviewing toys until this flare-up is over, I’ve decided to hunt for ways to bring myself pleasure.
Why it’s been five weeks since I came: Until a week and a half or so ago I wasn’t jacking off. I had notes from previous jack-off sessions that helped me keep up my reviews but I was quickly running out of content. I finally had the realization that I didn’t have to come to enjoy myself. The first toy I tried was a butt plug I had, one that I was able to review quite quickly because I wore it around for hours on end and then days. I find ass play incredibly arousing so I was caught off guard when I experienced the same pleasure I’d always felt. I couldn’t believe that my ass would respond that way when my clit wouldn’t.
A new way to experience pleasure: I hopped on that dick, bro. I started sticking thing after thing inside of me until I hit the Lovehoney Satisfy Me G-Spot Dildo that hit my g-spot in an oh-so-wonderful way. I paused for a minute, wondering how I was feeling that without the need to come. It was pleasure, pure pleasure, that nothing was able to distract me from. I felt the toy, the light pressure on my g-spot. I wiggled it around and I felt it move. I turned it upside down and felt the light pressure on my ass then back to my g-spot. I started scribbling notes faster than I could move the toy. Pleasure was what I was feeling, pure pleasure without the need to touch my clit or come. It was like nothing else I’ve ever felt from jacking off and I was in awe. I kept wiggling the toy, moving it around and around and writing notes at the speed of sound.
I’d found a way to pleasure myself. Ever since that wonderful, sex-life saving discovery I’ve been sticking to g-spot stimulation and dildos that I can just feel and enjoy. I’ve stuck more things in my ass than I ever have before. Coughing too hard during this last cold fractured my rib so I am unable to thrust vigorously, even if I wanted to. But, because I’m not focused on pounding my p-spot so hard that I can’t resist touching my clit, I enjoy the feeling of the toy inside me. All of the toy inside me. I feel more than I’ve ever felt before; I’ve become sexually empowered by the anorgasmia I thought destroyed my sex life.
The pleasure I feel now with non-vibrating dildos and ass plugs is more intense than than anything I’ve ever felt. The ass-toys when I can’t move because of the pain in my ribs, and the dildos when I’m emotionally and mentally turned on.
As for being aroused: I’ve also realized that there are non-sex oriented things that arouse my mind and, in turn, my body; though I’m still not able to come. I’ve been having my bitch buy me book after book and the process of looking at the books and getting the confirmation email from Amazon or Barnes and Nobel that he or I have ordered the book, makes my body tingle. I get excited, so excited that I close my eyes and revel in the feeling of what it used to be like when I had sex with my boyfriend, two or three years ago. It makes me want to stick things up my ass or in my vag and just feel…purely feel and not have another thought in my head.
And the toys, ooohhhh the toys! When I open that box from Good Vibes and Lovehoney; Tantus, Stockroom and Fleshlight, I am so incredibly aroused. I just look at the toy in the packaging and slowly unwrap it. When the new toys or books arrive I feel it in my hands and I smell them. I feel so good, as good as I used to feel when I could come.
Believe it or not, this self-discovery is one of the best things to happen to my sex life: Having this flare-up of anorgasmia has opened my mind and my body. I now know that I can feel mental and emotionally arousal by experiencing the two things I love the most and I can experience the physical feeling of a new toy inside of me; feel it like I have never felt a toy before. The thought of coming, that was so very stressful to me before, is now no longer an issue. It’ll happen when my body decides it’s ready. I’m not willing to review vibrators right now but I just love, love, love having toys inside of me, feeling them and clenching around them.
All my senses are heightened when I jack off now and I have never been more pleased with my sex life. This thing that I thought was one of the worst things that’s happened to me, that I thought limited me the most, has opened my eyes to a whole new way to experience my body and my mind.
Why I started reviewing toys is a story for another time 🙂 Stay posted!