I’m going to start off this post with two comments. First, and most important, a trigger warning for sexual assault and second, I want to let you know that this post will be unedited. I want to give you my first, truest thoughts on this matter. I’ve mentioned the sexual assault briefly on my blog before but I have so much more to say. It has changed me and my blog to the core.
The other day a New Friend of mine read my blog and contacted me. What I said about the sexual assault resonated with her. She saw herself in my writing and as painful as that must have been, it made both her and I feel less alone. I was so relieved to be able to talk about it without a concerned look on my partner’s face and deep sighs and a chorus of continual “I’m so sorry.”
This post is for you, New Friend. So you know you’re not alone and so I have a reminder that I am not either. You told me I gave you hope that it gets better and it does, but it takes a lot of work and I’m not yet healed after years of therapy, meds, and a supportive partner.
Over four years ago I was raped repeatedly by my neighbor, who I was having an affair with. This man was older than my mother and very much in control. He knew what he was doing and he knew it was wrong.
I’m on psych meds that quite literally knock me out at night and leave me incapacitated to a certain extent. He knew this. But he chose to fuck my unconscious body that would occassionally respond. He called it “sleep fucking” when he told me what he’d been doing because I would often be half-awake but not conscious.
When that happened I hurriedly took this blog down, losing followers, content, and readers. I lost contact and rapport with some of the toy companies for whom I reviewed for so long. It was painful but because I was taking him to court I needed to avoid him slut-shaming me. It was especially painful because this blog means so much to me.
Four years after the assault and I’m officially back and active on my blog, but I still have trouble with masturbation. More so than with a partner at this point. When I touch myself I think of him. I’ve found a way to deal with that: I watch hardcore, kinky porn. It gets me out of my head and I focus on that and only that. A few months ago, when I restarted my blog, I couldn’t masturbate without anxiety. Nor could I have sex consistently and be okay.
I love the process of unboxing a new toy, holding it in my hand and feeling it, and testing the vibrations. I love looking at my notes and I love the writing process. However, it’s when I take off my pants and hold the toy to my naked body that I feel uncomfortable.
With time it’s gotten better but it is disappointing that the only surefire way for me not to feel completely dirty and disgusting is by watching porn or having a partner with me. And, unfortunately, because of my girlfriend’s hormones, that doesn’t happen as often as I need it to.
I do masturbate anyway, because of how important this blog is to me. The results of masturbation make me feel complete, special, powerful now that I have On Her Back back. So, I masturbate. I watch kinky amateur videos on PornHub of women and men peeing on the floor in order to create consistent content for this blog.
But, after masturbation I feel shame for the videos that got me off and for not being able to do this on my own, without help from what I view as tasteless porn.
Some of my sex toys are tainted and that hurts. It hurts that my nJoy Pure Wand now reminds me of him. It was the toy that I was most proud of and now I cannot use it. I still recommend it, but I cannot use it without feeling disgusting.
This man took what I loved most. He took away my writing, my sex toys, my blog and my body. But with my partner, and porn, I’m slowly healing. I’ve found a way to still review and enjoy myself as I write. But it’s the process of reviewing a toy that is difficult.
I’m writing this so you don’t feel alone like I did. I’m writing this because I want to see posts like this. And I’m writing this to let my readers know that my reviews don’t come easily anymore. I want you to know how difficult it is for me to do this. But it’s rewarding and more than disgusting, it feels good to have this again. I’ve slowly taken back my body through blogging. And I will continue to do so. While I don’t yet feel like I own my sexuality, I own this blog.
So, I persist, and, New Friend, I hope you do, too. <3